Sam Vaknin Describes My Ex to a Tee (and the effect he had on me)

“The narcissist abuses his victim verbally, mentally, or physically (often, in all three ways). He infiltrates her defences, shatters her self-confidence, confuses and confounds her, demeans and debases her. He invades her territory, abuses her confidence, exhausts her resources, hurts her loved ones, threatens her stability and security, enmeshes her in his paranoid state of mind , frightens her out of her wits, withholds love and sex from her, prevents satisfaction and causes frustration, humiliates and insults her privately and in public, points out her shortcomings, criticizes her profusely and in a “scientific and objective” manner – and this is a partial list.”

(In the paragraph below, Sam describes the reasons behind my Ex’s behavior):

When the narcissist is angry, unhappy, disappointed, injured, or hurt, he feels unable to express his emotions sincerely and openly since to do so would be to admit his frailty, his neediness, and his weaknesses. He deplores his own humanity: his emotions, his vulnerability, his susceptibility, his gullibility, his inadequacies, and his failures. So, he makes use of other people to express his pain and his frustration, his pent up anger and his aggression.”

(The Ex’s effect on me during the four years we were together, described by Sam – that “walking on eggshells” feeling one often gets when abused by a narcissist):

These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self-worth, fear, stress, and anxiety (often described as “walking on eggshells”). Gradually, emotional paralysis sets in and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, in effect his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one and even when he is long out of their lives.”

(Mr. Ex had the following modus operandi and attitude. More than anything, he considered me his inferior – particularly intellectually):

Rudeness to others and bullying are reinterpreted as efficiency. Abusive behaviours are cast as educational. His rage is always justified and a reaction to injustice or to being misunderstood by intellectual dwarves.

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For those who are interested in reading more of Sam Vaknin’ s book, “Malignant Self-Love” – the ENTIRE book is online here at – click HERE to access it!

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