MORE wise words from watermelonpunch:
_ _ _ _ _
For those who feel they need to address and even face their abusers as a final point of healing, watermelonpunch says:
My experience with this is that “facing” an abuser just puts you in a position to be re-victimized.
I keep saying this, because it’s so relevant, and was such a revelation, that helped me successfully detach, move on, and be able to heal.
The one thing that always rang true for me, from the get-go was the “toxic relationship” term. It’s like a poison. And poison takes time to work its way out of the system.
The more you’re exposed to, the worse you feel.
The less you’re exposed to the toxin, the better you feel.
And yeah, you have to basically come to terms with leaving unfinished business.
Because the only way to finish business with poison, is to take a fatal dosage.
I’ve found that I’ve had to find my own sense of closure with toxic people, because they generally seem to refuse to grant closure, if you ask for it or try for it, they just wind up injecting more poison.
I have never once gotten any satisfaction, closure, or any healing, from confronting abusive people about how they’ve wronged me. Even the mention of something they’ve done in the past either gets twisted or ignored, so I don’t even bother anymore.
Even the people I’ve successfully been able to set boundaries with, who are still in my life (but kept at a safe distance), I have totally given up the idea I could ever have a real conversation about how they’ve done me wrong. And that has been helpful in my dealing with them, actually, and being able to set healthy boundaries.
It reminds me of something I heard in an interview on the radio the other day:
This woman was a victim of a savage attack back in 1977, and has written a book about it. The the man who attacked her and her friend was never arrested, though people in the area know who did it, and know that he continues rotten violent behaviour apparently, still harrassing people at the least. (The statute of limitations has run out, so there’s no way to prosecute him for that now.)
In this interview with this woman, NPR reporter Melissa Block asks her, “Why did you not try to confront him in some way?”
The woman’s reply: “A lot of people ask me that. And the reason is quite simple. He has denied this crime his entire life, and there’s no way that he’s going to suddenly give up a confession to me. By confronting him, I would just be granting him the power to lie to me. It doesn’t seem a good use of my time, nor does it seem particularly safe, because he is a dangerous character. So I’ve decided that I would never confront him in that way.”
(Also, when asked why she didn’t give the name of the man who attacked her with an ax in the book, the woman responded with, “I really do think that our culture glamourizes criminals, and if I were to use his real name, I was concerned that there would be a lot of women who would write to him, and want to reform him.” This is one savvy lady!)
– watermelonpunch – 20060216