For those of you who don’t know what it is, polyamory means “multiple loves”. It is the idea that a person(s) can have multiple emotionally and/ or sexually intimate relationships at one time and do so honestly, happily, and safely.
Unfortunately, when ABUSERS are involved in polyamorous relationships, that simply means that MORE people can be hurt — and be hurt even more deeply than in a monogamous situation.
The write-up below includes a VERY relevant excerpt from “heartless-bitches.com” on the subject, fully details this issue. Reading these write-ups, you’ll see that abusers can hide their personality disorders and their abusive, self-entitled natures behind such lifestyles. NOT that they don’t try to hide them in monogamous lifestyles too – because they do! Abusers will use any justification or “front” they can find for their abuse, and polyamory is as good a front as any.
So whether you’re considering an ‘alternative’ lifestyle, or just an involvement with someone new, buyer beware. Some “romantic” Romeos out there are only out for an emotionally superficial thrill for THEMSELVES and YOU could be the unsuspecting one who pays for their ticket to ride. That is, YOU become their narcissistic supply. And they’ll happily let you if that’s what it takes to get THEIR needs met. Never mind your needs OR your feelings. Those don’t matter. Not to an abuser.
Read on…from heartless-bitches.com:
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…I’d like to address the poly aspect of this and how and why abusers like the one I was involved with HIDE OUT in polyamorous circles. Namely, they gravitate towards the lifestyle because it gives them more excuses for their irresponsible, abusive and selfish behavior. It gives them license (or so they think) to turn the concept of “personal responsibility” on its head, inside-out and bass-ackwards so they can act irresponsibly and selflishly with OTHER people’s emotions and affections – and thereby absolve themselves of any culpability for the damage they do.
Below, is an excerpt from heartless-bitches.com (yep, thaaat’s right…get over it) about “Poly People I Can Do Without”. This write-up describes in detail the PROBLEM with users and abusers who hide in poly circles, disguising their selfishness as “polyamory” or “personal responsibility”. The excerpt I post below in particular defines the attitude – in general terms – of the abusive jerk I was involved with and how and why it is a problem in ANY type of relationship. He was a USER and abuser – reckless, irresponsible and completely lacking any conscience, empathy, or sense of responsibility for how he hurts someone to get HIS needs met (because that’s all that matters to him).
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To that end, I’m tired of narcissistic “poly” people who do the “romantic” thing, who prey on other’s deepest desires, just to evoke adoration, stroke their own egos, and to get a rush from someone “falling” for them, but they don’t want to be responsible for the consequences. Especially those that KNOW full well what they are doing, and still continue to do it, all the while complaining about the *inconvenience* of the after effect:
“Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that’s easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I’m also inventive … so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly… It’s just I’d rather enjoy the “romance”. It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It’s also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results,the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads.
To put in in my ex’s words: “I LIKE NRE!”. Yea, he LIKES NRE (new relationship energy aka “romance”) — but he doesn’t want to have to deal with what comes AFTER that – real emotional intimacy – at that point, he just wants to ‘drop’ it. Dan was FAR too emotionally immature to handle emotional intimacy – in which case he should NOT have been pursuing the ROMANCE with anyone to start with.
These people give their partners mixed messages – the actions imply romance and love, but the words (especially when called on the behavior) backtrack quickly to “friends” and “casual” and “nothing serious”… They want the “head trip”, not the relationship. When the expectations and demands for real emotional intimacy surface, they quickly become cool, and refer back to their “words” around the relationship expectations, denying any culpability for the fact that their actions were often seemingly in direct contradiction to those words.
Even WORSE, they continue the relationship KNOWING full well that they are not ANYWHERE as deeply emotionally involved as the other person. They use excuses for USING this other person, like: “Well I TOLD [person x] that I’m not as emotionally involved, and there’s no chance for a long-term relationship. If she still wants to see me and have sex with me, well, she’s an adult, so who am *I* to say anything? SHE knows the score. It’s HER decision.” They will imply that by taking any action themselves, they might be “patronizing” to [person x]. It’s a clever manipulation of psychobable that CONVENIENTLY glosses over the fact that [person x] is EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE, and is very likely NOT operating from a very healthy place. This “It’s YOUR decision” behavior (which is very close to the “it’s YOUR problem” behavior mentioned above) abdicates any responsibility that the USER might have to NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE of someone who is clearly vulnerable. Invariably the vulnerable person gets hurt MUCH worse than if the USER had broken it off the moment the imbalance in expectations was uncovered.
RESPONSIBLE Polys do NOT continue relationships with people where there is a clear imbalance of feelings, expectations, or ability to meet needs. They don’t take advantage of emotionally vulnerable people because they happen to be a convenient sex partner.