“Educating” the Abuser…

Don’t bother. You’re not their Mother. Abusers have personality and emotional issues, like most people, including their victims. The difference is, abusers often reject and deny this, choosing instead to blame and project onto others the resulting behavior of those issues.

If they will not or cannot show even common, basic levels of respect for their partner , they are beyond help. Remember too, an abuser’s primary tools to avoid responsibility for their behavior: blame, denial, minimization, projection.

Should you try to send them a list of well-documented and researched information on abusive behavior or get them to read a book – that’s like handing them a cache of weapons. Like any good sneaky politician, drug addict, or criminal, they will simply turn around and accuse you (their victim) of doing what they are so incredibly guilty of themselves.

You can’t change them. And they will not face themselves.

You can’t change anyone – except yourself. As a victim, that is your main advantage. YOU can change. The abuser can NOT.

You’re full of anger and venom!” an abuser might say to his/her partner/victim.

Most often though, the abuser him/herself is the one who chooses to display a fit of loudmouth, disparaging rage at a partner in front of neighbors, at restaurants, among friends at parties, etc.

Most often, the victim of abuse is not the one who chooses to spout off a denigrating, name-calling opinion at a partner, then try to pass it off as “honesty” instead of addressing his feelings directly – and owning them.

Who is full of anger and venom then?

The “anger and venom” an accusing abuser sees – is his/her OWN – and abusers often project that onto their partner/victim by making such a statement. That way, the abuser avoids responsibility for his/her own feelings and and for his/her own behavior.

Never expect an abuser to acknowledge their own behavior or their own issues – much less change anything about it. They won’t.

My ex demanded that I put my books on Verbal Abuse where he couldn’t see them. Out of sight. In MY own house!

The books seemed to make him shrivel. Like sunlight on vampire. They threw too much light into the dark places of himself that he had long ago rejected (his own anger). They hit a nerve, somewhere.

For an abusive person, it’s easier to blame someone else than to do the required work on themselves to change their immature and abusive behavior. They often appear to need babysitters, not partners.

All we can do as victims, is refuse to be made responsible for their abusive behavior any longer. We are NOT The Mommy and they need to grow up and take responsibility for themselves and their own issues and the resulting behavior. But – it’s so much easier for them to just blame someone else for it all.

NO CONTACT is a beautiful thing. If they can’t be an adult, if they can’t treat you with respect, even after you’ve calmly set boundaries and asked them to:  LEAVE

You can’t TEACH them anything about abuse – because to address the abuse they have to face themselves and get out of their own denial – you can’t teach them that. They have to do it on their own.  And most often they won’t. They’ll just turn it all back on YOU.  PROJECTION and BLAME: It’s their Modus Operandi.

Educating the abuser is an excercise in futility.  Take care of yourself.  And stop being the fall guy for their abusive behavior.

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