“Telling someone they’re lazy, or not who you want them to be, is not honesty. It’s a bloody-minded opinion expressed rudely.”
–watermelonpunch – 20070316
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All too often, abusive people will try to pass off their abuse (or their own opinions expressed rudely) as “honesty”, or “truth”.
In my own case, my abuser calling me a “spoiled brat with a princess syndrome” was not honesty. It was his opinion – stated in a very rude manner. It was verbal abuse. Namecalling always is. And it was very hurtful, as it was no doubt intended to be.
It is OK for someone to talk about themselves ie: “I think…”, or “I feel…“, but it is *not OK* for them to talk about you – particularly in such an opinionated, rude fashion. That shows lack of respect, is abusive, damaging to you, and to the relationship.
Remember the abuser’s primary tools: projection – denial – blame – deflection – manipulation.
When a person says something hurtful to you like the above examples , and you call them on it, and the response is similar to: “Well, I’m just being honest!“. Or “Well, I’m just telling you the truth about yourself and sometimes the truth hurts!” — this is their attempt to pass the blame onto you for what is essentially just their rudely stated opinion (ie: verbal abuse).
Abusers never take responsibility for their own behavior or the consequences of it. They always find any way they can possibly find to put the blame and responsibility for their abuse onto someone else – usually the person(s) they’re abusing. But the fact is, if the rude comment came out of the abuser’s mouth, then (s)he OWNS it, and is responsible for it and the consequences of it, not you!
Trying to make the target/victim responsible for the abuser’s behavior is not only dishonest and manipulative, it shows that the abuser lacks the maturity and responsibility to address his/her feelings directly and seeks instead to punish and/or blame others for them.
We may expect this type of behavior from six-year-olds – but not from grown adults.