Narcissists and Abandonment (about my Ex’s particular brand of breaking up)

http://www.drirene.com/8_nar.htm

Narcissists and Abandonment

Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as codependents and Borderlines are.

BUT

Their solution is different.

Codependents cling. Borderlines are emotionally labile and react disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned. Narcissists FACILITATE the abandonment. They MAKE SURE that they are abandoned.

This way they secure the achievement of two goals:

(1) Getting it over with – The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and “spoiled”. They cannot delay gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.

(2) By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. “She didn’t abandon me, it is I who abandoned her. I controlled the situation. It was all my doing, so I was really not abandoned, was I now?” In time, the narcissist adopts this “official version” as the truth. He might say: “I deserted her emotionally and sexually long before she left”.

_ _ _ _ _

Dan couldn’t WAIT to run away from himself. Particularly once myself and our counsellor started calling him out on his abusive behavior. He didn’t want to discuss it. He lied, projected, blamed, justified, minimized, distracted conversation from, and “forgot” about his abusive yelling and other angry, verbally hostile episodes and constant verbal jabs, insults, put-downs, and criticisms. Then, in a final swoop, he blamed me AND the counselor for it all, and ended it (the relationship) — seeming so relieved to have escaped himself. I only agreed to it at that point.¬† Any wise person would do so.

He thinks he got away with it. But he’s still living with himself. He cannot abandon HIMSELF. He cannot BREAK UP with HIMSELF. Meanwhile, I am FREE of him and his abuse. He is still a prisoner of his own anger and insecurity. Which he cowardly fails and refuses to address. Until he finds yet another victim to project it all onto — to blame for it all. A new “enemy” in his war against himself, while the REAL enemy, is within. The REAL enemy IS him.

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