One day, the Ex was rearranging furniture in his house (we didn’t live together).
He didn’t finish and left dresser drawers sitting outside of the dresser on the bedroom floor for days. One of those days, he stubbed his toe on one of them.
He later told me that in his mind, he tried and tried to find a way to blame me for his stubbing his toe on his dresser drawer that he left sitting out in his house. But he just couldn’t find any way to blame me for that.
He actually used this little anecdote as an example of how he “DID NOT blame me for everything” (something I’d told him he does). But this anecdote tells me that he clearly tried to if there was any logistically twisted way he could find to do it. But he couldn’t find a way this time and he seemed quite disappointed in that, but also very proud of himself for having “proof” that he didn’t blame me for everything.
Can anyone else see the absolute irony in his using this as an example?
I might add that this person is a Mensan. I’ve often asserted that while abusive people can be very intellectually saavy and smart, that emotionally, they are often stunted and very unintelligent. I think Dan certainly fit that mold.
I had previously complained to him that for 4 years of our relationship, whenever there was an issue, he blamed me for it.
And he’d do all the talking when “we” talked about issues. He lectured. I listened. If I attempted to insert a comment, I was immediately interrupted and talked over. He’d spend the entire time trying to justify his abusive behavior (which was always what was behind the issues we had). He’d justify, and twist, lecture, and make excuses upon excuses, and blame, blame, blame. The first word typically out of his mouth when I tried to talk to him about anything was “YOU…!”.
If there was any issue, no matter what it was, or what he had done or said or the circumstance, his finger was wagging at me. Example: “You DESERVE to be humiliated in public! You bring it on yourself!”
Yes. He said that to me. It was apparently my fault the man couldn’t handle his own anger enough to refrain from habitually yelling at and denigrating me in public, and in front of our friends and neighbors. This is one example of how his verbal and emotional abuse was THE problem in our relationship. It completely destroyed it.
It almost destroyed me. But I got out before that could happen.
I was most always the one who brought issues up. If he ever brought any – they were “justified” in his mind. I’d listen to them though, change my behavior, and lo and behold, he’d still complain! He’d continue to “jab” at me verbally – ie: make derogatory jokes, condescending remarks, complaints and insults about the issue – even after I started or stopped doing whatever it was he’d complained about. No matter what I did or how much I spent to please him, it was never enough and I still suffered the verbal/emotional abuse.
In contrast, when/if I brought up an issue in the relationship, it was always – without fail – UNjustified in his own opinion. He did not listen to what I had to say. He did not make changes. He’d immediately become very childishly defensive and blame me for whatever it was. Tell me I was “crazy“, “imagining things“, or “making sh*t up“, or the male favorite – that I just “had PMS“.
The issues we had always centered around his abusive behavior: yelling at me in front of others, name calling, insults, constant criticism, financial abuse and advantage-taking, hostile put-downs, making me the butt of ugly jokes, blaming me for everything all the time, etc.
Like all abusive relationships — the abuse wasn’t just part of the problem in the relationship, it was THE problem in the relationship.
So, Mr. Ex decided to use his “stubbed my toe and couldn’t find a way to blame you for it” anecdote to “prove” that he didn’t blame me for everything!
But actually, it only proved that he DID!
It proved that no matter what the situation or issue was, or what he’d done to contribute to it himself, if he could logistically twist it around in any way whatsoever so that he could blame me for it, he did, except in one case, he couldn’t. And somehow he equated that to some sort of “proof” that my claims about his contant blame were unfounded.
In relaying that story to me, he as much as admitted that he always tried every logistical twist possible to blame me – for everything. Even stubbing his toe on his own furniture. In his own house. When I wasn’t even there.
This entire thing was just so incredibly ironic, and even worse – this guy who is in Mensa couldn’t see the utter irony in his behavior, and in this story he told me about it. Nor could he see that he had entirely exposed himself and his tactics! Our last days together were just loaded with “revelations” like this one.
Remember what an abuser’s primary tools are when it comes to being faced with their own abusive behavior:
They’ll do anything except take responsibility. And once in a while, that fact reveals itself in stark relief like this- very nicely.
Clarity. Sweet Clarity…