He will ALWAYS have someone else lined up before he bails out or you are ready to kick him out.
He shows no remorse for his cruelty and will blame you for everything. He has no capacity for introspection and no desire for counselling or finding a way to work things out.
And so it was with Dan. He had a new gal lined up whom he’d been eying for quite a while before we split. Had it all planned out and executed the plan one day in the counselor’s office wherein he accused her of “twisting things around” when she confronted him with some of his recent verbal/emotional abuse he’d inflicted.
Oh – he had a desire for counseling alright. But only to fix ME – as he told me and the counselor during our first couples session. He told her that all our problems were because of “her” (ie: me) and that he was only there to fix ME. Same thing he’d been telling me during our 4-year long relationship. Every problem. Every issue. All MY fault. Never his. He never did anything wrong. He was always right. No matter HOW he had to twist logic around to make himself so, to deflect blame onto me, to refuse responsibility for his own behavior or the consequences of it.
By GAWD he was gonna be RIGHT. To him, it was a WAR, not a relationship. And he was gonna WIN it. Those were his two primary objectives in the relationship. This is the case with all covert-aggressives. Winning is all to them that matters in any and every relationship. And being right and winning meant NEVER taking responsibility for anything he’d said or done that was hurtful or damaging. E V E R.
He always insisted that he was an innocent bystander in the relationship and that I was the “monster” who had “issues”. Uh-huh. And he said the same about his last girlfriend. She had “emotional issues”. And his ex-wife. And the girlfriends before that — and the ones he had from college and high school before that. They were “crazy”. It was always their fault.
Watch out for the blame game. Blame always goes to the closest person to the abuser (if you’re the partner, that means YOU), and to all the ex-partners. If it’s always someone ELSE’s fault the relationships didn’t work out – it’ll be yours too, when yours doesn’t work out with Mr./Ms. Abuser. You’ll be “crazy”, a “monster”, and you’ll have “emotional issues”, according to the abuser you’re involved with. He’ll tell everyone including his next victim.
Well, you may actually have “emotional issues” by the time (s)he’s finished with you! Verbal, emotional, and physical abuse causes depression, low self-esteem, and in the most severe cases, PTSD in its victims. Nevermind that though – regardless of what the covert-aggressive/narcissist has done or said to you – it’s all your fault. Yesiree. (S)he retains no responsibility for any of it, or TO you in your relationship. Narcissists don’t DO responsibility in intimate relationships. That’s always someone else’s job, and it’ll be exclusively yours if you’re involved with one.
It won’t “work out” when you stop accepting their abuse, and the the blame for their abuse. My best advice? Make sure it doesn’t — and let them go find another target for their sociopathic, narcissistic lack of empathy for anyone’s feelings besides their own. Get yourself out of the War Zone they’ve created of your relationship. And . . .
~~~Pity the next one~~~