“Well, He Doesn’t Seem Abusive…”

Or:

Well. I can’t believe he’d EVER do thaaaaaaaat!

Have you ever heard this spoken or implied concerning your abuser?

No doubt you have.

So. WHAT exactly, does an abuser LOOK like? Do their eyes dangle from their head or do they drool or do their knuckles drag the ground? Hardly!! And Lucifer himself was the fairest of angels, wasn’t he?

Let’s examine this difference between these perceptions — between what the VICTIM sees in her abuser, and what EVERYONE ELSE sees in her abuser – and WHY this difference in perceptions exists:

From a recent newsletter by Patricia Evans:

“If you think you are hearing verbal abuse, know that it usually occurs in secret. Possibly no one hears it or even imagines that it is going on. Since, in the majority of cases, verbal abusers are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly.

“Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser.”

From a fellow target/victim of abuse:

He has people so conned into thinking he is a gentle, kind, generous, patient, humble, successful , loving man. He is attractive, well-groomed, well-dressed, doesn’t outwardly act “arrogant or cocky” but in fact is very polite, charming, and goes out of his way to lend a hand, a shoulder to cry on, etc. He painted me out to be the angry, controlling one, and he the victim of me!!!!! He is quite adept and skilled at faking any emotion, evoking sympathy from others, quickly finding weaknesses in others and then building them up with flattery or other means to gain trust. Did anyone in Lacy’s life think that Scott Peterson was a monster – capable of murder??!! Probably not.  –Anne

Abusers are often very socially astute and charismatic. Not always but often. The are ALWAYS VERY adept at picking up on a weakness & using flattery to gain their target’s trust. Once that trust is gained and the target is fully ‘hoovered’ in, the abuser then uses insults, condescension, criticism and verbal hostility directed at that very sensitive area where he previously gained the target’s trust to inflict optimum pain on his victim – and to thereby gain the optimum emotional control over her.

Abusers often feel “powerful” and get a sort of rush out of having such power over someone – to be able to CONTROL someone else in this manner. Many abusers are very skilled at “reading” a person in this way: to determine their insecurities and weaknesses – areas where they can endeavor to gain the target’s trust, then they will use this trust as a weapon against them at a later time in order to establish emotional power and control over their target.

Buyer beware. If he seems too good to be true, he probably IS. And those needs in you that he has identified and targeted – the ones he is so tenderly pandering to now, he may target you with later. Avoid the Hoover maneuver.

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